Press "Enter" to skip to content

Cortez the Easy


We’ll stop by on Christmas to see how things are coming. Have you finished the crawlspace insulation under your mobile? How’s our client? Has she come out of the bathroom yet so you can put the new tub in?

Are you still singing in that band? How is everything? How’s the new mustache? How is my mother-in-law adapting to life with no daughter?

I think I want to be a cowboy this summer. Except it’s no longer summer. I saw a charter that takes you to eastern Alberta and you can work with horses and combond with other pale cubicle-dwellers. Maybe while I’m there I can perform some audits on a few cows. That can’t be counted as depreciation, Bessie. Or maybe I’ll become a professional basketball player in Italy, since I am tall and already own my own shoes. The rest can be had cheap. I look great in shorts and tank tops, even those yellow-grey recycled gym hand-me-downs. My other cousin Vinny used to tell me that. He’d say Vince, you are as rare as rockinghorse shit. That’s pretty rare.

I have solid skills in other areas too. The Fundamentals. Catching, Passing- remember when I knocked out Uncle Alice with that can of beer? That was a good throw, eh? Snappy.

I’m bored at work just now, so I’m pretending to write an email to an imaginary cousin. I’m also pretending to be Canadian. Eh, the times we had at the Lake. I learned a little aboot love that summer. Nothing funny, but pretty deep. I’m an excellent explainer. I like the time we went to the store to buy some bottle rockets and you stole 6 packs of Kools. You walked me through that first cigarette. I haven’t learned to not love cigarettes since. But why 6 packs? That’s a fuckload of Kools. The next morning I felt like a survivor of a Naugahyde factory fire. Vinny, you kill me sometimes.

Hey- just had a thought. I’ll start smoking crack. Wouldn’t that just about solve everything? Except I can’t afford it. Maybe I’ll turn to crime. Nothing violent or sleezy. Elegant crime, with drinks before the fistfights. Sporting. Like the guys Bond goes up against. How do you get that job- evil mastermind? Crack probably isn’t the turnkey solution.

I try to be open-minded, but none of this is very popular anymore anyway. I really should strive to have more fashionable daydreams.

Love and balloons,